so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
