I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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