by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
