woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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