I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
