the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i love accidental penises.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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