The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
