she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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