then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
