I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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