Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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