i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
