The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
