Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
