our cab driver is having phone sex.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
