You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
