Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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