Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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