Yo dont text me then not text me
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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