onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
