i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
