I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
