Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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