Fine. I'll sleep in my office
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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