According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
