i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
