If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
