I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
