Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
