Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
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