This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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