i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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