I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
