I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
