That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
