god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
