Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
