The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
