You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
