He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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