she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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