so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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