where am i from again
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
