my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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