I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
