I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
