Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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