I wanna bring you to show and tell
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
