i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
handjob tips. give me some.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
