Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
