Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
