the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
